Some things...

I seriously feel like our family can not catch a break. First, I want to apologize to all of my friends, especially you Anne, because I have been a terrible friend lately. Things here have not been easy at all.

At the end of the summer we got the most devastating news you can hear as a parent, that something is gone that you can never get back. We've been trying to cope with this and move on from it, but it has been hard. Just when things were finally getting to be "normal" again, we got another big cloud.

We found out as well that Twister has Celiac's Disease. Now instead of just him being gluten free, our whole house is. It's just not a chance (him getting glutened) that we can take. And it's healthier for us all anyways. It's just a big adjustment, and much more expensive! But, he is doing wonderful on the diet!

I have been feeling very exhausted lately. I thought it's just because I have 2 kids...and my toddler, Twister, is literally a twister. I had some more issues a couple weeks ago and went to the hospital to get checked out. My hemoglobin results were not good, my white blood cells were higher than my red. My iron was low. So I was put on iron pills. The issue persisted, and I was at the doctor every day that week having more tests done...my arms look like I am a junkie with bruises and holes from all the needles I've been having. I found out on Thursday that I have numerous tumors. I go back to the doctor on the 3rd of November for more tests and will know after that if they are cancerous or not. Regardless of if they are or not, I require surgery. I have the choice to have a hysterectomy or myomectomy. The first would mean I can not carry anymore children. The second would remove the tumors, but they would come back, and I would require multiple surgeries...but, I could carry more children. I am remaining hopeful and positive through all of this. I AM going to have another child one day, so that choice is clear for me. And the cancer issue, well, I'll just deal with that when it comes. I haven't told KitCat anything. She doesn't need to know right now...and I don't even know how to begin telling her anything like this. She knows Mommy isn't feeling well right now because I am sleeping a lot...I am just tired all of the time. She came into my room last week and gave me a kiss and a hug, waking me up. I said what was that for, and she said "When I'm sick or hurt myself, you kiss me and give me a hug Mommy. And it makes me feel better. If I kiss and hug you maybe it will make you all better." It was the sweetest moment. I had to fight back the tears. I love her so much and am so lucky to have such a sweet child. I thought she was getting to the age when my kisses to "fix" owies was no longer believed in...she showed me the opposite.

I have been dealing with some other emotional issues as well, that I have had to keep hidden from almost everyone. I am not happy in my relationship and am considering leaving so that I can have true happiness. The whole thing is just very complicated, and my medical issues only complicate it further. I just don't know what to do about everything at this point in life and wish that God would just tell me the answers.