Monday, October 27, 2008

Some things...

I seriously feel like our family can not catch a break. First, I want to apologize to all of my friends, especially you Anne, because I have been a terrible friend lately. Things here have not been easy at all.

At the end of the summer we got the most devastating news you can hear as a parent, that something is gone that you can never get back. We've been trying to cope with this and move on from it, but it has been hard. Just when things were finally getting to be "normal" again, we got another big cloud.

We found out as well that Twister has Celiac's Disease. Now instead of just him being gluten free, our whole house is. It's just not a chance (him getting glutened) that we can take. And it's healthier for us all anyways. It's just a big adjustment, and much more expensive! But, he is doing wonderful on the diet!

I have been feeling very exhausted lately. I thought it's just because I have 2 kids...and my toddler, Twister, is literally a twister. I had some more issues a couple weeks ago and went to the hospital to get checked out. My hemoglobin results were not good, my white blood cells were higher than my red. My iron was low. So I was put on iron pills. The issue persisted, and I was at the doctor every day that week having more tests arms look like I am a junkie with bruises and holes from all the needles I've been having. I found out on Thursday that I have numerous tumors. I go back to the doctor on the 3rd of November for more tests and will know after that if they are cancerous or not. Regardless of if they are or not, I require surgery. I have the choice to have a hysterectomy or myomectomy. The first would mean I can not carry anymore children. The second would remove the tumors, but they would come back, and I would require multiple surgeries...but, I could carry more children. I am remaining hopeful and positive through all of this. I AM going to have another child one day, so that choice is clear for me. And the cancer issue, well, I'll just deal with that when it comes. I haven't told KitCat anything. She doesn't need to know right now...and I don't even know how to begin telling her anything like this. She knows Mommy isn't feeling well right now because I am sleeping a lot...I am just tired all of the time. She came into my room last week and gave me a kiss and a hug, waking me up. I said what was that for, and she said "When I'm sick or hurt myself, you kiss me and give me a hug Mommy. And it makes me feel better. If I kiss and hug you maybe it will make you all better." It was the sweetest moment. I had to fight back the tears. I love her so much and am so lucky to have such a sweet child. I thought she was getting to the age when my kisses to "fix" owies was no longer believed in...she showed me the opposite.

I have been dealing with some other emotional issues as well, that I have had to keep hidden from almost everyone. I am not happy in my relationship and am considering leaving so that I can have true happiness. The whole thing is just very complicated, and my medical issues only complicate it further. I just don't know what to do about everything at this point in life and wish that God would just tell me the answers.


Anne Elizabeth said...

I wish so badly that I had the money to fly you all here so you could have a break. I have been thinking and praying for you every day. I know that things have been beyond hard for you lately so I don't want you to feel bad at all about not keeping in touch with me. Your kids and your health are what are most important right now and I MORE than understand you need to focus on them. I am so sorry to hear about Twister. I know that it is so EXPENSIVE to be a "gluten free house". I will definitely be praying for him. I know this all has been so discouraging and my heart is with you in spirit even though I can't physically be there. I am beyond sad to hear about your health issues. I am praying so hard that they are not cancerous. God I wish I could just be there to help you out! I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am here for you whenever you need me. I want you to know that even though we can't talk as much as we used too I am thinking about you every day!

Anne Elizabeth said...

I know that in light of everything it may not mean as much but I LOVE your hair:) You look so freakin sexy!!!

Little Mrs Sunshine said...

Nicole I had no idea :( You have been on my heart and mind for weeks, especially since I hadn't seen any recent blogs from you - I miss you, and I will be praying for you, and your family. I wish I was there, or you were here. KitCat is the most amazing little girl I know! what a sweetie, and that would have had me in tears too, I could totally feel the moment as I read it. I am in the same place in my relationship lately too.. I would love to talk to you sometime. My aim name is SLR Sunshine and my email is

BTW, thank you for the support and information on the GFCF. we are going to be making the transition for the whole family too, and its tough and very intimidating. I have a ton of questions Id love to ask, and to talk to you about. Anyway, I love you and your kids and will be praying for you all.

and I have to ditto anne, the first thing I thought when I came to this page was wow look at Nicole with that sexy hair! you rock!